Birth-Mom Fever

I don’t really have baby fever right now. I have a 16 month old that is still nursing, so I get my fix for all things baby on a daily basis. What I have is different…I have birth-mom fever.

The anticipation, the excitement. The agony, the waiting, the unknown. What will she be like? Will we hit it off? Will she like us? Like really like us? Can she love us? Will she let us love her?

 

I can’t wait to meet her and know her! I picture the first time we meet -- there will be fireworks and a musical crescendo to rival Sleepless in Seattle. We’ll be like long lost family members, soul mates from another life, reunited at last. We’ll have so much in common and not a single lull in conversation. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll vow to be connected forever. It’ll be the most amazing act of human connection to take place. Ever.

 

So I’m a naïve optimist idealist – I can’t help it. This is what I long for!  My heart aches to connect with our birth-mom on a deeper level. I desperately desire to convey how much we truly mean what we say. But if it’s anything like my relationships in high school, I may come on a little strong and whoosh – they run away faster than Usain Bolt.

 

So, along with the manic visions for the future, I also chant a mantra inside my head: “Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.” “Chill out, chill out, chill out.” “Don’t set unrealistic expectations for other people who are going through one of the hardest times in their life to be your instant best friend and reciprocate all the insane lovey-dovey feelings you have for them, you nut case!” (the last one doesn’t flow as well, but you get what I mean).

 

Now I have and continue to read a lot of adoption related materials to educate myself, so I know that things don’t always go as planned with open adoption relationships. But it won’t be because I don’t leave the door open – wide open. I will pursue, I will contact. But I think I will also need to learn how to give space, which is a hard one for me. I have such strong feelings and truly desire close relationships, which can often be unreciprocated. I’ve seen it in my own life plenty of times, just with friendships. Not everyone desires the same closeness that I do.

 

But I won’t be discouraged to lessen my feelings. I believe they are an asset and a strength because they are honest and true. I know myself – I know that what I feel now is real, and the love I have for this amazing woman is genuine, even though we have never met. We will meet and I will tell her. And we will be connected forever. It may not have fireworks or violins, but we will be family. Family is precious, priceless, but never perfect. I’m sure we will have many ups and downs, miscommunications, hurt feelings, but we will have also have apologies and forgiveness and love and grace. And we will have each other. And we have a wonderful child who will make all the trials worthwhile. And we will do everything possible to stay together.

 

There is a song that is a wonderful representation of how I feel about our birth-mom, and I think the words can work from any viewpoint of the adoption triad. I’ve said it before: To me the key to success in any relationship, certainly open adoption, is vulnerability. I believe in and fully embrace being vulnerable to others, for others.

 

Check out the song – Matt Hammit – All of Me. I plan to play it for our birth-mom someday.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50ygAc2qP5A

That time I quit my job to become a stay-at-home-mom and got mono.

So I think the title of this post really sums up the last month of my life.

I had a fever for 21 days. It was epic.

Highlights of this special time include:

• I missed my last week of work -- I was very upset about this because I had worked there for 10 and half years and had given six months notice that I was leaving. I did go in on my final day, because what else could I do?
• I spent my first two weeks as a stay-at-home-mom pretty miserable, shut in from the world, taking fever meds around the clock. I developed a mad case of cabin fever and started to feel a little like Jack Nicholson from The Shining (all sick and no social interaction makes Kim effing crazy -- or something like that).
• I didn't get to start watching my niece on time -- after two visits to urgent care I finally went to the ER for a more thorough work up and found out it was Mono. This was three days before my sister-in-law would return to work and babysitting would begin. I felt so awful, like I left them in a lurch. I don't either of us imagined I would ever be sick this long, so we never talked about a back up plan. It was was really sad -- hoping in time we can work it out.

So now I am on the mend, no more fever, still very weak at times. Mono is weird with bizarre symptoms and can last a horribly long time. But I am believing for swift healing and if the way I've felt these last couple days are any indication, things are on track.

So, as I mentioned in my last post, a follow up on our doctor's physicals: mine has been postponed until I can get through this infection. So depending on how long it all really lasts will depend on when we can wrap up our home study and move forward with our adoption. Definitely been an interesting turn of events.

If, like me, you are obsessed with planning for the future and every step along the way, things like this really throw off your entire mental/emotional mojo. In those three weeks that I had a fever I got really low. It was as if everything I had been planning for, my whole vision for our life, was coming apart at the seams. It probably sounds silly, and it even feels silly now to write it, but it's the truth.

It's funny that no matter how many trials I've been through in my life -- some big, some small, some gigantic -- whatever I am going through "now" always feels like the worst. I need to remember that I came through all those things before -- the big, the small, the gigantic -- and I am stronger for it. In these times I am so grateful for the people in my life -- my husband, my mom, my friends, my pastors -- they encourage me, pull me out of the darkness of my situation, and remind me of the truth: My God is bigger than any circumstance. Even my present one. Especially my present one.

Blogging is like dieting.

I've come to realize that blogging is like dieting - it's something I always intend on starting tomorrow. Oh but then something else comes along (Netflix...chocolate cake...a chance to sleep in...) and my diet / blogging plans are kaput.

[Tried to insert a beautiful picture of a chocolate cake and fork but couldn't make it work -- clearly by blogging skills are not up to par with my cake devouring skills]

Sigh....oh well. Time for moving forward! Here's what has been going on since my last post:

Adoption Agency Seminar
In June, we went to our prospective agency, Open Adoption & Family Services, for a day and half seminar. It was designed to show us what the agency is all about and how it operates, as well as begin our open adoption education. We did some assigned reading before hand (Hospitious Adoption by James Gritter, now one of my all time favorite books I've ever read) as well as completed some worksheets to get us thinking about things we would cover, like what openness in adoption really means, how we view it, our personal strengths and weaknesses when it comes to openness, etc. All the personal self-examination was kind of intense, but really good.

There were seven couples total in the seminar, all sitting around in a u-shape of tables. The first day was led by the agency director, who herself has two children in open adoptions. She walked us through her story and how her open adoptions came to be and operate on a daily basis, which was so great. My favorite part was when they brought in two birth parents (a mom and a dad, from different families) to share their stories and answer questions. And then on day two, they brought in two adoptive parents (a mom and a dad, from different families) to share and talk to us. Getting to hear and talk with real people who have gone through the process and are living open adoptions every day was absolutely awesome. We definitely came home pumped to get started on our process!

Intake Meeting
In July, we went back to the agency for our intake meeting, which is basically a sit down chat with a counselor to evaluate where we're at emotionally and philosophically to make sure we're: a) ready to begin an adoption and b) the agency is a good fit for us. It was super low-key and just like a nice chat with a new friend. And we got the green light to move forward. YES!

Home Study
Here we are now, in the middle of our home study. So far Adam and I have: been fingerprinted, been researched by the FBI, filled out a lot of papers, written mini autobiographies, bought a fire extinguisher for our house, and had two home visits by our adoption agency counselor (her name was Marianne and she was sooooo awesome and friendly, again making the visits just feel like we were chatting with a friend). I am still filling out our financial sheet and we still need to have doctor's physicals done (I have another post coming about this debacle). All of this will culminate into a 10-12 page report (aptly named the home study report) that our counselor will write that to paint a picture of who we are, where we come from, and how we live.

Then we also have to put together our family profile, which will include:

• Our "Dear birthparent" letter - which is a one page introduction to our family, with a picture
• Family photo book - 20 page scrapbook that describes and shows our family / lifestyle in more detail, made on shutterfly or mixbook
• 2 minute video of Adam and me sharing what we appreciate about each other and what we want in an open adoption

(this is the photo I am tentatively putting on our intro letter)

All of this is to help prospective birth parents find the family that is the best-fit for them and their child. And it is absolutely exhausting! I have written our intro letter and it has been approved by our agency (phew!). I am trying to work on our photo book but it is slow going. Our home computer does not run the Shutterfly website very well, so I have been working on it on Sundays when we visit our aunt and uncle's to watch football. This last Sunday I spent several hours and got one page done. Ugh!

I'm sure I will love it when it's done (like how I feel about our intro letter) but this creative process is gruelling. I just keep reminding myself that the road to a child is always filled with aches/pains, and this time around they just manifest differently. So suck it up! :)

And I also remind myself that whatever we are going through is a cake walk compared to our birth parents, who might just be finding out they are pregnant, scared, unsure what to do. Seriously every time I think about them, whoever they are, I tear up. I can't wait to meet them someday and give them a hug and tell them that we love them and are here for them, that we are just as excited to meet them as we are the baby. And I just hope we can help them believe that we truly are never going anywhere.

*sniff* This stuff seriously turns me into a blubbering sappy mess. Okay -- Kleenexes down!

So, What's Next?
Once our home study report and family profile stuff is all complete we can "enter the pool of waiting families." Which everyone says is extremely anti-climactic. Here you've just spent months in a flurry of writing, creating, talking, etc. and then it's just over. And you wait. And wait. And maybe you wait a week and maybe you wait three years. You just don't know. You could get "the call" at any minute. It could be a birth mom who is seven months along and you have a few months notice before baby arrives, or it could be a mom who is at the hospital about to give birth or has already given birth and they need you to get there tomorrow! That's some crazy $#*%! :)

I have no idea what our story will be, but I am so excited to find out. I'll keep you posted!

We Picked an Agency - Booya!

We have officially selected an agency!

We chose.....drum roll.....Open Adoption & Family Services! They are licensed in Washington and Oregon with offices in Seattle, Portland, and Eugene.

Both agencies would have been great picks and feel very similar in their philosophy and approach to adoption. Ultimately the main factor for our decision was geography – OA&FS is just closer to home!

For example, both agencies require you to attend a seminar/workshop before signing up with them. With OA&FS it’ll be a drive to Portland, with Independent Adoption Center it would be traveling to one of their offices, the closest being Concord, CA (by San Francisco). IAC does have a New York office so we definitely thought about making that trip! What a fun reason to get to go! 

But along with the proximity to the agency itself, we thought about our proximity to our birth mom.

There's no guarantee, but by going with OA&FS it is very likely our birth mom will be from WA/OR. This will make all of our in-person meetings – our first meeting, being at the hospital, and ongoing visits – a lot easier. With IAC there was an 80% likelihood that our birth mom would be from one of the eight states with an IAC office location (California, Texas, Indiana, Florida, Georgia, North Carolina, New York, and Connecticut) making the cost for traveling definitely higher. And not just during the adoption, but for every year after.

 

Originally I thought the distance wouldn’t matter -- a good thing even, creating boundaries simply through logistics. But the more I thought about it, envisioning the rest of our lives, and the more comfortable I became with the whole theory of Open Adoption, completely changed my viewpoint: I want contact with our birth mom to be natural, relaxing and fun. Something we do as a family whenever it feels right, not just when we can afford it. Five (Wow! We're going to be a family of FIVE!) plane tickets to Texas isn't cheap. We'd probably only get to go once a year and that would be our only big trip/vacation. Or it would mean not everyone could go and I don’t want that either. I did consider the idea that we could always just pay to have our birth mother fly up to see us, but in the end I just don't want to be limited on what we can do.

Also we thought about our proximity to the adoption community. Both agencies host events like summer picnics and holiday get-togethers for their families. Our ability to participate in these events and connect with others with families like ours increases enormously by going through OA&FS.

 

So our next step is to attend their pre-adoption seminar. The next opening is in June so we are scheduled for that. They limit the number of attendees to seven couples which allows everyone lots of personal attention and the ability to make strong connections with each other. After that we can sign our official contract and begin our home study.

 

The home study is pretty intensive and can take 3 - 4 months to complete. It includes things like background checks, personal biographies, home visits, doctor's exams, financial documents, etc. I'm not going to lie, it feels a little intimidating. But I'm assured it's about highlighting what makes us unique and great parents, not about finding faults. During that time we will also be putting together our "Dear Birth Parent" letter, family profile, photos, etc. (I keep joking that it'll be kind of like an online dating profile, but for our whole family - ha!).

 

THEN when that's all done, we will be put into the pool of families and wait to be selected by some amazing birth mom who wants to make us the parents of her child! OMG! Such a huge crazy exciting big deal!

 

So, until that happens, I am going to try to play it cool and not be super anxious or impatient. Just embrace the process and enjoy the journey.

 

It's an exciting road to be on!

Adoption Update

It’s a very exciting week for the Kessler family – we are finally going to make some real tangible progress on our adoption!

 

We’ve known for a while that Domestic Infant Adoption is the best fit for our young family, but we’ve yet to pick to an agency. The search began while I was pregnant with Rosemary. I’ve browsed what feels like a million websites and acquired a hefty collection of information packets, but now it’s time to stop Googling and make a decision.

 

So on to the exciting part!

 

We’ve narrowed it down to two agencies and have conference calls scheduled with both of them this week. I have spoken to each of them myself already, but this week's calls will be more like formal presentations and Adam will be joining in.

 

The two agencies are Independent Adoption Center and Open Adoption & Family Services.

 

Both agencies specialize in Open Adoption, which means the birth mother (and father) chooses the adoptive parents for their baby. They will read our "Dear Birth Mother" letter, view our online profile, etc. and if they like us will contact us. We will talk to them on the phone and set up a meeting to meet in person. After we meet and have a chance to interact, everyone decides if they want to move forward. Then you are considered "officially matched". At that time both parties agree to ongoing contact in a form and frequency that everyone is comfortable with. What I love about these two agencies is that they both promote a relationship, not just a contract, for staying in touch.

 

Are you freaking out? It’s okay. Almost everyone feels that way about Open Adoption at first. Here’s what I’ve learned:

 

Open Adoption is not co-parenting. Once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents are the legal parents. And remember it's because they were chosen by the birth parents - that's what they wanted, for these specific parents to be the child's parents. But just because you don't feel you are in a place to be able to raise a child yourself, does not mean you should have to forfeit all contact.

 

On the contrary, all the research on Open Adoption (as opposed to Closed Adoption) shows that it really is a healthier atmosphere for the child. In Open Adoption the child knows his/her birth parents, and their identity is more grounded – they know where they come from, they know they are loved. If they have questions about why they were adopted or if their mom was good at drawing too, there is a real live person to ask. And then for the rest of their life they will know them and have a relationship with them.

 

Another great thing is when you work with a reputable agency, they offer ongoing support and counseling to help all parties -- the birth parents, adoptive parents, and the child -- to help you work through the various aspects of your relationship over time. It's funny, think about all the relationships you have in your life right now and the natural ups/downs they go through -- it sure would be nice to have a lifetime counselor for those too :)

 

I'll admit, I am an idealist and probably a little naive, but I am honestly so excited about getting to meet our birth mom. I know God brings people into my life and vice versa for a reason, and this is no ordinary relationship. This is covenant bond to help create an atmosphere and environment where a child can thrive and grow to be the best they can be. I am honored and humbled just thinking about it.

 

If you would like to read more about Open Adoption here is a link to one of my favorite adoption resource websites Creating a Family.

 

I'll post again at the end of the week and let you know who we picked!!! Then the fun will really begin.

Embracing Change

So it seems that somehow I unintentionally took a blogging hiatus. Hmmm, I blame work. But I’m back now and I have lots of thoughts that have been brewing that I am eager to share. First let me catch you up on what has been a big time of transition for our family.

 

I went back to work from maternity leave in November, which I was less than thrilled about. I had so enjoyed my four months at home, bonding with baby Rosemary and getting some great time with Anabelle. Our weeks together were a good mix of outings/playdates and just down days at home. It was such a different feel from my maternity leave with Anabelle four years ago. I don’t many people as anxious as a first time mom. But this time was just, well, fun! And for the first time in my life I really understood why people WANT to be stay at home parents. (More on this later)

Then in December, my husband got a new job. This was no small thing for our family – our workplace has been a pillar in our lives for nearly a decade. My husband and I met there in 2004, married the following year, and have been carpooling to the same building ever since. It was absolutely the right choice for him and I one hundred percent encouraged and support the change, but when it was all done, I definitely went through a grieving period. It may seem silly (and a little co-dependent) but I was just so used to us doing everything together. We dropped off and picked up the kids together, we would stop by each other’s desks to say hi, go to lunch together. My husband would frequently bring me Slurpees from 7-11 during his afternoon breaks. I was spoiled and I loved it.

So much of our life, our relationship, our routine, and even my own identity, was built around the fact that we worked at the same company together. And then when we didn’t I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with myself. Evenings were spent taking care of our kids and spending time with them and there wasn’t much time for just us. This wasn’t anything new, but we’d always had the driving to and from work in the same car and face to face interactions throughout the day that we didn’t necessarily feel shortchanged.

It has since all worked itself out and I have adjusted to my new normal. My husband and I just text and talk on the phone a lot more now. And something actually really great happened to me because of this change. It broke the ice in my mindset of what I was willing to consider possible for our life. So much that I have decided to make a change too:

I’m going to be a stay at home mom!!!

This is a completely new feeling for me. Before my most recent maternity leave, I’ve never wanted to stay home. I’ve always enjoyed working, the social atmosphere, the sense of accomplishment, problem solving. It’s been very fulfilling for me. But my heart has changed. What is important to me has changed. I’ve come to a place where my time is my most precious commodity and I want to spend it on my children.

That being said I am not officially leaving my job until October – this provides lots of time to transition someone new into my position and for us to get our ducks in a row here at home. As an obsessive planner, I’ve been pouring over the logistical details of how to go from a two income household to a one income household. It’s a bit terrifying I’m not gonna lie, but I feel like we have a pretty good plan now. Not having to shell out $1500 a month in child care will help. Also, I will earn a little income through the absolute privilege of taking care of our very first little cousin, who will be born at the end of July. My October exit will coincide with my sister-in-law’s return to work. Pretty great stuff.

So that’s what’s been happening with us. I have lots more to share about – my new found love of minimalism, our adoption journey, my couch to 5k goal, learning to cook (yikes), and more – but I just really wanted to get this entry out there because (a) it’s freaking exciting and (b) all my other thoughts directly connect to this new life we’re living. So more to come, more to come.

And I think I’ve found a theme for this time in our lives right now and I’m pretty sure I could close out my next ten posts with this exact same sentence: Change is scary, but if we lean into it and embrace the process, some really amazing beautiful things can happen.

 

 

 

 

Fear, guilt, and other companions

We have truly only just begun our adoption journey, but I am amazed at how much drama there has been so far. Not between my husband and I, or even with adoption agencies or birth parents – just in my head. My imagination is a frickin’ war zone.

My main adversaries’ names (you may recognize them from your own battles) are Fear and Guilt. Their comrades – Worry, Anxiety, and Doubt – have also made many an appearance on the battlefront. Fun for all.

Fear is a tricky bitch. She sneaks up on you, hides right behind our sweet friend Hope, and just when you and Hope are having a wonderful heart to heart about your future…BAM! Fear jumps out screaming like a rabid flesh eating zombie (the fast ones from World War Z) with hairy tarantula legs (gross) and sends poor precious Hope racing for door to find covers to hide under. And then it’s just you and Fear, left alone together, stuck playing that awful “Imagine If” game she always brings over. Why can’t we play Scrabble instead? I really like Scrabble.

Now Mother Guilt is something with which I am extremely familiar. This is a special form of Guilt that plagues any and all mothers – good ones, bad ones, working, stay at home, tall, short, thin, not so thin, introvert, extrovert. It is a universal fact that all mothers feel like crap about something at any given time. Newton’s fourth law I think. Be it nutrition, dental hygiene, TV watching, exercise, reading aloud, screen time or a myriad of other things – every mom is sure she’s doing it wrong/not enough/too much. In fact, I feel guilty right now for working on this blog instead of playing Hermione and the Ponies vs. The Wicked Witch of the West with my daughter. Great!

So it is not as if guilt related to parenting is anything new, but guilt before I even become someone’s parent? Hypothetical situation guilt? That’s down right impressive.

What, you ask, have been these specific confrontations? Here's a few nuggets.

For starters, years ago when first began looking into adoption, my husband asked, “So would we, like, get a newborn baby in the United States?”

Tut tut, so naive.

“No way!” I recoiled. “It costs like $50,000 and a birth mom could come back anytime and take her kid back!”

Fear just high-fived herself.

At this point I had done very little actual adoption research and watched one too many Lifetime movies. So in spite of the fact that a newborn baby was exactly what my heart desired, Fear had me convinced it would never work out – too expensive and too likely to end in heartbreak.

So, I completely bypassed researching domestic adoption and pointed myself to international instead, where Guilt was waiting to make her debut.

There is no such thing as a mass international adoption application; each country has its own unique adoption program, and you have to decide on one in order to get started. For some this process comes easy. They have a pull to adopt from a specific country; possibly a family tie, maybe they’ve visited there before or always wanted to, but whatever it is something specifically draws them to it. I didn’t have any of that. I didn’t feel called to a specific country. I was open to any, to all of them. I wanted to love a child. But you have to pick one. But I couldn’t pick. To choose one felt like I was rejecting all the others, and therefore all the other children. How do you choose one child over another?

I found myself trying to manufacture connections/feelings….I think East Indian people are particularly beautiful, so I’ll adopt from India. Yeah, a beautiful Indian baby….Or wait, I love the Spanish language, so we should adopt from a South American country. Then our entire family can learn Spanish and we can travel there and keep our baby’s cultural heritage alive. Yeah, that’s perfect….But I do love Chinese food, so China is always an option….But maybe the babies in Africa need me more, so that would be best….

I was beginning to feel like a serious head-case. Guilt and all its friends were reigning victorious and I was paralyzed, somehow feeling like my heart for adoption really just a way to abandon all the other children. Wow, Kim, really? Obviously this way of thinking was not at all based in reality, but Guilt doesn’t really care. She’ll manipulate you any way she can to get you off track.

Only recently have we returned our sights to domestic adoption. And this time we’ve enlisted a new friend, Knowledge. And she says:

·    Yes, adoption can be expensive, but usually not $50,000 expensive. On average it's more like half that. International is typically the most expensive, followed by domestic newborn. And domestic foster-to-adopt has little to no cost at all.

·    And yes, in domestic newborn adoption birth mothers do have the ability to change their mind and parent their child, but the time frame they have to decide varies by state. It ranges from 24 hours to 6 months after birth, but the average is three days. Once that time frame passes and an adoption is finalized, it is just that. Final. The sensational stories that make it into the news are not the norm.

Booya! Take that Fear. My girl Knowledge just trumped your nasty ass!

But that victory was short-lived because Guilt came back. How selfish are you? You already have babies, you know, from pregnancy? Save the newborns for people with infertility problems. You know, people who deserve to have them. You think you should just get whatever you want?

Defeat.

But something doesn’t sit right. My friends – Truth and Love – nudge me to step forward and say something. Well, Guilt, I stammer. The birth parents are the ones that decide who gets to raise their baby. They have to pick us. And if they pick us, it’s because they see something in us, something they desire for their most precious child. And, WHEN they pick us, they will obviously think it’s okay we have biological children! So…so there!

Cheers from the crowd!

These are certainly not the only things Fear and Guilt have tripped me up over and I’m sure they won’t be the last. But I refuse to feel guilty for what my heart desires. In fact, other adoptive moms have told me specifically not to. It’s certainly easy to feel guilty when it comes to filling out the form for what child you would accept. The list is a gauntlet of things out of a medical text book. Would you accept a blind child? Would you accept a child exposed to drugs? Would you accept a child with a family history of mental illness. Cerebral Palsy. Down Syndrome. And on and on. I don’t know yet how I will answer all of these questions. I will research things first so I’m sure I truly understand what they mean; I will definitely pray about it all. But then whatever decision I make I will make in faith and without guilt. It does no one any good if you take on something you are not prepared for simply because you feel guilty about it. No one at all.

And I will not fear heartache. Anything worth doing comes with the risk of heartache. When you pursue something that truly matters to you (pregnancy, adoption, relationships, marriage, chasing your dreams), you'll know it's worth doing because you have to put your heart on the line – serve it up on a platter, come what may.

We don’t dismiss the need for wisdom. No not at all. My friends Knowledge and Truth will always be by my side in this venture. But the requirement of vulnerability is the litmus test of value. And I can't think of much that is more valuable than a child.