The anticipation, the excitement. The agony, the waiting, the
unknown. What will she be like? Will we hit it off? Will she like us? Like really
like us? Can she love us? Will she let us love her?
I can’t wait to meet her and know her! I picture the first time we
meet -- there will be fireworks and a musical crescendo to rival Sleepless in
Seattle. We’ll be like long lost family members, soul mates from another life,
reunited at last. We’ll have so much in common and not a single lull in
conversation. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll vow to be connected forever. It’ll
be the most amazing act of human connection to take place. Ever.
So I’m a naïve optimist idealist – I can’t help it. This is what I long for! My heart aches to connect with our birth-mom
on a deeper level. I desperately desire to convey how much we truly mean what
we say. But if it’s anything like my relationships in high school, I may
come on a little strong and whoosh – they run away faster than Usain Bolt.
So, along with the manic visions for the future, I also chant a
mantra inside my head: “Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.” “Chill out, chill
out, chill out.” “Don’t set unrealistic expectations for other people who are
going through one of the hardest times in their life to be your instant best
friend and reciprocate all the insane lovey-dovey feelings you have for them,
you nut case!” (the last one doesn’t flow as well, but you get what I mean).
Now I have and continue to read a lot of adoption related materials
to educate myself, so I know that things don’t always go as planned with open
adoption relationships. But it won’t be because I don’t leave the door open –
wide open. I will pursue, I will contact. But I think I will also need to learn
how to give space, which is a hard one for me. I have such strong
feelings and truly desire close relationships, which can often be
unreciprocated. I’ve seen it in my own life plenty of times, just with friendships.
Not everyone desires the same closeness that I do.
But I won’t be discouraged to lessen my feelings. I believe they
are an asset and a strength because they are honest and true. I know myself – I
know that what I feel now is real, and the love I have for this amazing woman
is genuine, even though we have never met. We will meet and I will tell her.
And we will be connected forever. It may not have fireworks or violins, but we
will be family. Family is precious, priceless, but never perfect. I’m sure we
will have many ups and downs, miscommunications, hurt feelings, but we will
have also have apologies and forgiveness and love and grace. And we will have
each other. And we have a wonderful child who will make all the trials worthwhile.
And we will do everything possible to stay together.
There is a song that is a wonderful representation of how I feel
about our birth-mom, and I think the words can work from any viewpoint of the
adoption triad. I’ve said it before: To me the key to success in any
relationship, certainly open adoption, is vulnerability. I believe in and fully
embrace being vulnerable to others, for others.
Check out the song – Matt Hammit – All of Me. I plan to play it for
our birth-mom someday.
